Christianese 101

The following is a list of phrases in the impenetrable language of “Christianese.” For those unfamiliar with this strange dialect, I have compiled a helpful Christianese-English Dictionary so that you can find out what your Christian friend is really saying to you. If you have any other troubling Christianese phrases, please post them and I will happily translate them and add them to this list. (Please read this with a grain of salt.)

1. I’ll pray about it = NO!

2. We need to pray for so and so = Guess what I just heard?!

3. I’m waiting for God to open some doors = I’m living in my parent’s basement.

4. God gave me a word for you = I have advice to help you with your disaster of a life.

5. I’m going to have my quiet time = Leave me the heck alone!

6. God is good = My life sucks.

7. Bless his/her heart = What an idiot.

8. I have the gift of discernment = I can judge people without even talking to them.

9. I was having fellowship with them = We had beer and pizza and watched the game instead of going to church.

10. I’m saved by grace, not works = I can do whatever the heck I want.

11. She caused me to stumble = What a skank.

12. I kissed dating goodbye = I couldn’t get a blind date, literally.

13. Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouth = I can’t believe you said the real curse word!

14. I don’t mean to judge but… = I’m going to judge.

15. I’m dating Jesus right now = Are you kidding? I’m way out of your league.

16. God wants me to take some time off from this relationship = I met someone else and I’m too coward to break up with you.

17. I’ll pray about marrying you = NO!

18. God told me that we are supposed to get married = Maybe you’ll say yes if God is behind this.

19. I’m fasting = Your spiritual life is miniscule compared to mine. Try to keep up.

20. God has called me to minister to her = She’s really hot.

21. I think you should pray about it = You’ll see that I’m right.

22. We’ve decided to court, not date = My parents have a death grip on my life.

23. Courting = Homeschool dating.

24. Lord willing = My plans are His plans.

25. Take this with a grain of salt = I’m about to really offend you.

26. I’m feeling convicted about this = One day my actions might change too!

27. Have I offended you? = Why are you treating my like garbage?

28. Who wants to pray? = I don’t want to pray right now.

29. Jesus turned water into wine = Jesus turned water into grape juice. (Southern Baptist Dialect)

30. Jesus turned water into wine = I can drink whatever I want. (Presbyterian Dialect)

HT: TIM SCHRAEDER

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7 thoughts on “Christianese 101

  1. HI Amber,LOL! I first saw this on Mark Waltz’s blog…too funny, yet true. I posted this comment (by the way, your dad is awesome!):Here’s another:Let me pray about it = I have no ideaChristianese – the language developed over generations of Christians that is of course unique to this sub-culture called Christianity. The purpose of such language is to serve as a “fig leaf” to cover up the reality that those who are members of said sub-culture are just as fouled up, messed up, wound up, (fill in the blank), as anyone else in this world.Yeah………c’mon church! Let’s stop pretending, come out from behind the “fig leaves”, burn those “fig leaves” already, and GET REAL!!

  2. Thanks for your comment Ambercakes! haha! I know, isn’t that so weird! We will need to plan a trip to visit Katie and then maybe we can meet you too!! Or, better yet, you guys could come out here w/ her for a fun visit! In the summer and we’ll go sailing etc! i want to visit you in the winter/fall as the photo’s you post are just gorgeous! Those are the kinds of places in the USA i have ALWAYS wanted to visit since I was a child! Have a great week!God BlessS:)

  3. That is so funny! I have to tell you that you and Ryan were in my dream 2 nights ago! Isn’t that so weird…we’ve never met, but there you were, clear as day! The funny part was that Ryan couldn’t remember the difference between 2 Medical procedures and we were trying to help! SO WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!! YOu were both so great and so much fun though!!!!

  4. so funny and let me just say, “I’m waiting for God to open some doors and Lord willing, this business will work out. i think you should pray about… God is good.” love it!

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